Latte Leftie is called to account for his irresponsible consumption of caffeine by his erstwhile comrades in the progressive commentariat
Dear LL – As an arts student with plans to become a gender issues blogger you’ve long been a role model of mine. But I was shocked to see grainy footage circulating on the internet of you downing a large organic, fair trade, shade-grown, Ethiopian latte in six seconds flat to the applause of your fellow café patrons, an impressionable-looking collection of extravagantly bearded hipster youth. Are you oblivious to Australia’s caffeine problem? Don’t you know that sessional academics, performance artists and a body pierced bar staff are spending hundreds of dollars every month – money that could be used to buy imported foodie treats for their families at Salt, Meat, Cheese – buying exotic coffees just so they can look ‘cool’ in front of their peer group? And did you ever pause to think of the economic and human costs of Australia’s dysfunctional relationship with the coffee bean? Have you got any idea of how much productivity is lost through java junkies blathering excitedly to co-workers and making endless trips to the bathroom? You might able to handle the strong stuff but what about 18-year-old kid who’s goes into cardiac arrest after witnessing your actions on YouTube and deciding to ‘skol’ 30 Red Bulls? Verily, you have his well-carbonated blood on your hands. We’re not living in 19th century France anymore, where Balzac was lionized for knocking back 50 cups of black coffee a day before perishing, Jim Morrison-style, in a Parisian bathtub, his stomach lining a distant memory. For shame, Latte Leftie, for shame!
LL replies: Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, Judith. Rest assured I’ll be switching to decaf and campaigning for a punishing sin tax to be levied on all caffeinated beverages immediately.