Latte Leftie – 294

It’s been a damn close run thing but Latte Leftie says progressives can breathe a sigh of relief about the status quo being restored

Dear LL – While secretly aroused at the thought of a Weimerica ruled over by a reality TV Hitler, I do believe we on the Left have dodged a flaming pitchfork with the imminent coronation of the rapist husband-enabling, Goldman Sachs-pandering, Middle East-war-starting, Negro-imprisoning, welfare-slashing, Henry Kissinger-befriending, death penalty-supporting Ms Rodham Clinton. It’s a constant source of amazement to me that 40-50 per cent of the voting public in Western nations can’t be content with their easy access to cut-price Chinese clothing, lowbrow television and methamphetamine. They now seem to be lashing out at any chance they get just because they don’t have any hope for the future and, ahem, are derided as deplorably sexist, xenophobic and homophobic cretins. Surely come November 9, these moronic reactionaries will realise the error of their ways and things will settle down?
Mike, Mascot   

LL replies: After the post-Brexit shock of discovering the surly British lower orders weren’t delighted by the kind of open-borders world that’s done so much to advance the cause of fusion cuisine, I think we’ve all been a bit perturbed, Mike. Thankfully, it appears we will shortly resume normal programming, allowing the Right to finish the job of redistributing wealth upwards from what remains of the working and middle classes while we on the Left trumpet our virtue by championing the right of the gender indeterminate to invent new personal pronouns, refugees to settle anywhere they like (just so long as it’s nowhere near our sufficiently diverse neighbourhoods) and university students to be protected from any hate facts that might unsettle their worldview. If the economic and cultural elites can forego any further counterproductive squabbling, I think members of both can rest easy that any further helot revolts will be swiftly and brutally extinguished!