Cat O Dowd goes through the most common mistakes people make when making love and how to avoid them. Follow this guide to be on your way to coital paradise.
Same old routine
Get in bed. I do this. You do this. I put this there. Orgasm. End. Yawn!
Routines lead to sexual boredom. Experiment. Mix up the order. Sex isn’t a linear journey from A to B, especially for women. Surprising your partner with oral sex and a quickie in the kitchen is as valuable as a slow, teasing session with lots of long, deep kisses where all the clothes stay on for a delightfully long time.
Get out of the bedroom and get off the bed! Try different places around the house, sexy times outside, different times of day or sexy weekend getaways.
Tit for Tat
Sex isn’t about keeping score. Avoid: “well, I did this to you, now you do that to me.” You could spend an entire loving session where you pleasure her and she lies back and loses her mind. She could start giving you a long sexy massage that eventually moves to the inner thighs and caresses the genitals… Play and have fun!
Not giving feedback
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. They don’t know if the pressure of their hand or tongue is working for you unless you tell them. If you’re afraid to say, “yes like that …I love that”, or “harder… softer… slower…” try using appreciative noises like “ahhhhh.”
Learned helplessness in the bedroom can be overcome by owning your pleasure. Take their hand and show them how you like to be touched or show them how you do it yourself. If you have a specific fantasy for something you have to ask for it!
Critical Sex Judge
Only voicing up during sex when you don’t like something is a turn off. Give feedback through positives rather than being a condemning judge. Don’t critique your partner’s body, genitals, erection, sexual functioning or compare them to an ex!
Over correcting doesn’t create a supportive place to surrender to pleasure. For every critical comment try to provide three positive points. Try, “I love how you use your tongue and hands, but please no teeth. You look so sexy when you…”
Owning Your Pleasure
Our lover doesn’t “give” us an orgasm, we are responsible for our own orgasms. If we don’t know how to orgasm on our own then we are setting up a huge challenge for our partner. Be in touch with your body, know how to bring yourself to orgasm and what works for you. Grab a mirror and have a look at your genitals. Get acquainted with your body.
Post Coital Silence
“I loved it when you…” Debriefing after the heat of the moment when you’re high on bonding hormones can bring long term improvements. Pillow talk what worked for you so your partner knows for next time. I’m not encouraging an entire performance review! A few words before sleep can make a difference.
Focus more on the journey than the ending. Be authentic and honest. Try, “I might be too tired to orgasm but I’m still keen for some loving!”
Cat provides open minded, confidential counselling via Skype or in her CBD clinic. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org to get in touch.
Words: Cat O Dowd – Sex Therapist, Relationship Counsellor, Expressive Arts Therapist.