Latte Leftie – 281

All that is required for another generation of bogans to be formed is that civilised men do nothing, argues Latte Leftie

Dear LL: A decade ago I married a second-generation migrant of Eastern European stock. At first everything was peachy. I was broadcasting exactly how non-racist I was by marrying a Slav from a non-English-speaking background. Plus, there were lots of quaint ethnic customs I could partake in. However, blinded by lust, I failed to recognise just how reactionary these working class economic migrants, based on the aspirational suburban fringe, were. Conversation at family get-togethers revolved monomaniacally around the best methods for expanding one’s portfolio of investment properties. When both my wife and her extended family vocally voted Liberal in the Tampa election “to keep the troublemaking Muslims out”, I ended the marriage. But by then a child had been born. My innocent daughter is now approaching puberty surrounded by jumped-up peasants who watch home renovation shows, hero worship Donald Trump and are driven into a dark rage at the thought of negative gearing rorts being reined in. I need to get her away from that toxic environment but the courts have awarded the bulk of custody to her mother. Christopher, Annandale

LL replies: Never fear, it’s exactly these kinds of complicated custody disputes that members of the media are best placed to resolve. In return for an exclusive, Ciao can supply you with a couple of return tickets to Glenfield train station and the services of an erstwhile policeman turned ‘child salvage facilitator’. This gentleman, who is usually sober until at least midday, will be happy to snatch your daughter away while she’s travelling to school, punching out any philistine relatives, male or female, who protest. You may have to move to, say, Fitzroy, for a few months while the fuss dies down but I’m sure you’ll be able to then raise your offspring to become a Greens activist or performance poet or craft brewer in the Inner West.