Righteous Rightie gives the newly elected PM some sensible suggestions on how to get rid of the $100 billion Bowen black hole.
Dear RR – Hypothetically speaking, if you were an incoming PM elected on an economically responsible platform of slashing taxes while introducing a maternity leave scheme that would make a Scandinavian socialist feel queasy, how would you go about making things, you know, add up?
RR replies: Glad you asked, Tony. Needless to say, you’ll need to send that Middle Eastern buffoon Hockey out to do an ashen-faced press conference at which he will solemnly proclaim, “we had no idea how bad the situation was,” decry the duplicitous book-cooking of the previous socialist government and announce changed circumstances will require some unexpected belt tightening.
At this point you should move quickly to sell the ABC to Murdoch for $10, restrict paid parental leave to women earning at least $60,000 (if they’re not making at least the average wage what’s the sense in subsidising them to produce more grasping mediocrities?) and abolish the dole. I’d argue that all welfare recipients should be imprisoned and kept behind bars until they learnt some respect for mainstream Australian values but I realise that may be too expensive, unless you can get Serco interested. By reducing the minimum wage to a globally competitive $3 an hour you’ll boost corporate profitability hence tax revenues and by abolishing Medicare you’ll stamp out the malingering that’s been costing this once stoic nation billions. Shuttering at least half of this nation’s universities and all of its arts faculties will both result in huge savings and prevent any more impressionable young minds being to taught to hate Australia, engage in same-sex shenanigans and regard bicycles as an acceptable form of transportation.
Last but certainly not least, education funding for any povo hooligan attending a public school should be capped at the amount required to purchase an exercise book and Ikea-sized pencil.