Once you’ve regularly practised mindfulness in your everyday life, you’re ready to become a better lover by practising mindful sex.
Practising mindfulness can activate and rewire the anterior insula in your brain with studies showing women who practise mindful meditation have a thicker insula and better orgasms. The more your practise using your insula, the better you can experience physical sensations during sex and be attuned into your partner’s emotions and feelings, and neuroscience researchers see brain changes after two weeks of practising so, if you’re starting out, try it every day for at least twenty minutes.
Some deterrents for great sex include a mind whirling on autopilot, overstimulated brains from caffeine, stress or addictive text messaging, anxiety, being disconnected from your own body, worrying about our the appearance of our body, how we ‘perform,’ or ‘watching’ ourselves having sex with an anxious, internal narration.
On the other hand, one of the main ingredients in enjoying better sex is being fully present and immersed in the feelings and sensations, rather than being distracted by mind chatter or worrying about the past or the future. Mindfulness is the antidote to bad sex because it’s all about being present in the here and now.
First, move the distracting electronic devices out of the bedroom. They stimulate your mind and are a deterrent for being in the now.
You might want to try mindfulness on your own in a self pleasuring session. Focus on the sensations on one part of your body, when you smile, how does your mouth feel? Focus on your lips. Slowly scan your whole body to other parts that feel good. If you feel your mind wandering to think about work or errands, start concentrating on your breath and how the air enters your nostrils, goes down into your belly and then feel it leave your body.
Then try mindful meditation with your partner before having sex. It helps turn off the chaos of the day and helps you reconnect. Embrace your partner; focus on the warmth of their arms, their smell and other sensations. Look into their eyes and focus on the colour and size. Take turns being touched and just feeling and nothing else.
During sex be present with every throb, tingle, movement, taste and smell. You are opening the doorway to a new world of pleasure.
Let go of goal oriented expectations of orgasm and enjoy the feelings. It’s about the journey not the destination. If you find yourself worrying about orgasm or your mind drifts to something else, kindly guide your attention back to your body.
Don’t criticise yourself for not getting it perfect, the more you practise the easier it will get. You are retraining your brain by practising attention and you are becoming more sensitive to pleasure.
To learn more contact Cat O’Dowd, Sex Therapist and Couples Counsellor, www.creativesexpression.com