Latte Leftie – 251

Righteous Rightie admits to a few minor errors in judgment but vows to remain the conservatariat’s pre-eminent columnist.

Dear RR – I’ve been voting Liberal ever since I started earning enough to afford the mortgage on a three-bedder in the Inner West, so I stress my remarks are not the bleatings of some povo, progressive school teacher. That noted, following your recent column calling for the re-introduction of slavery; the hanging of Mark Scott for high treason; the forced deportation of all atheists, homosexuals, single mothers and Greens voters as well as the compulsory singing of ‘Rule, Britannia!’, ‘God Save the Queen’ and ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ at the start of every sporting event and school day, I must ask you to make way for a more suitable columnist to be the voice of right-wing reason in this otherwise leftard rag. I understand it was only five minutes ago that a readers poll proved you were more popular than Latte Leftie but, hey, a week is a long time in opinion journalism and, as a conservative, you know better than anyone that people are treacherously fickle and deeply stupid. Sadly, you simply must vacate this space for the good of the cause. Andrew, Mascot    

RR replies: So Piers et al can hang for decades recycling the same three think pieces about climate change being a fraud perpetrated by commie scientists, inner city elites forming a shadowy secret government and the urgent need to execute members of the lower orders found to be trafficking in narcotics but I’m supposed to walk the plank because I, as the young people say, pushed the envelope with a few innovative policy suggestions? I’ve got one question to all those critics noisily ragegasming into an echo chamber of righteous indignation: do you want Latte Leftie back monopolising this space with his juvenile posturing? Actually, it doesn’t matter what your answer is – you can have my media platform when you pry it from my cold, dead, figuratively ink-stained fingers!