Righteous Rightie – 228

Righteous Rightie knows exactly what needs to be done to turn around our deeply troubled national carrier.

Dear RR – I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll never buy an Australian-made car again but it pains me to think I may never fly overseas on an Australian-owned airline. What should be done?
Proud Aussie, Petersham

RR replies: There’s been a lot of stuff and nonsense talked about the Flying Kangaroo when the cure for what ails it is obvious – get rid of the old boiler flight attendants. Do I want a woman who was employed back when Gough Whitlam was running this country into the ground and has the looks of Bronwyn Bishop and the charm of Sophie Mirabella serving me? No I do not (much as I admire those two ladies’ politics).

Though I don’t approve of their disco dancing, bath house-frequenting lifestyle I can put up with homosexual Qantas stewards – at least they’re convivial in their own lispingly effeminate way. But to spend hours in a confined space with some dried-up, hatchet-faced shrew who delights in enforcing Responsible Service of Alcohol legislation when one politely requests a couple of bottles of Johnny Walker Blue Label to drink during the flight from Sydney to Canberra is intolerable.

Given the choice between flying on a plane staffed by hot young Asian chicks who are only too happy to provide a deep vein thrombosis-alleviating groin massage when asked or being snarled at by some post-menopausal swamp donkey is it any surprise Australian businessmen have voted with their feet? If only that same-sex-attracted leprechaun running the national carrier would give the bitter old bats the arse and replace them with the type of top sorts Ralph Fiennes wouldn’t be embarrassed to join the mile-high club in a cramped toilet with, Qantas could once again be an institution all Australians could be proud of.